Our own Sacred Scared : Sarah

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Are you loving our own sacred scared posts? I am. Today’s guest post is from a sweet friend  of mine called Sarah.

My Sacred Scared is that I am not good enough for the life that God has given me…

For as long as I can remember God’s plan has been leading me in different directions than my own plan has. I have ended up in the wrong place so many times, only for God to step in and say, “No, not there, I have something better in mind for you” and I am so thankful that he continues to guide me and lead me to people and places beyond anything I could have dreamt up for myself.

But, deep down, in the quiet of my own thoughts and insecurities, I don’t believe I am good enough for the life that I live. I am expecting to wake up one day and for God to whisper into my heart – “Sarah, what are you doing here? This is not the life that was meant for you…”

I have a family that has blessed me abundantly, my parents are together, in love with each other and have brought me up to love God, my little sister is my best friend and my little brother is one person I will always look up to! I am so lucky to have had this upbringing and had the love of God poured down on me from the day I was born.

I am getting married this summer to the boy I have loved since I first set eyes on him at 14 years old and he’s the best person I have ever met. Every day he shows me kindness and love beyond anything I could ever hope for but I don’t feel good enough for Him. He is outgoing, a people person, confident in himself. He loves God and he loves others consistently. I am shy, an introvert, full of insecurity and I struggle to show grace to people in the way that he does. Yet he loves me, he wants to spend his life with me and I can’t help wondering why? I don’t feel good enough for Him, even though he goes out of his way everyday to assure me that I am.

I am 22 and this year I became youth pastor of the best church I have ever had the privilege to be a part of. This is something that I continue to find a little bit funny. I look at myself and where I am and just think, “Why me!?”

I panic every time I have to get up and speak – I think people are looking at me and wondering who on earth I think I am to try and teach them anything!? I feel like a hypocrite telling teenagers how to love themselves when I am riddled with self-doubt and insecurity. I struggle to walk up to a teenager for the first time and introduce myself, even though I wear a smile and come across as self-assured. The job I do requires me to be a role model for every teenager I come into contact with (and that’s a big number), but I don’t feel good enough to be a role model for anyone, to be an example of anything!

My church is filled with a mass of Godly women. They care about how I am and what kind of place I’m in. They hug me and talk to me and spend time with me in a way I have never experienced before. But I don’t feel enough compared to any of them. From where I stand they write inspirational blogs about their lives, they read great books and live by the Word of God. They live their lives with passion and fire in their hearts. They are Women of God in a way I wish I could be but don’t have the confidence to be.

I want to believe I am where I am meant to be. I want to believe I deserve the family I have and the man I’m going to marry. I want to believe that the job I have is meant for me, and that I haven’t just landed here because of some huge mistake that someone somewhere made. I want the passion in my heart for the God I love to come out when I stand up and speak, instead of turning into the bag of nerves I always do in front of a crowd! I want to be a strong and courageous woman of God and know that the influence I have on the teenagers I work with is justified. I pray that I can live my life without being tied up by the ropes that are doubt and insecurity and self-esteem issues. I want to feel pretty enough and smart enough and courageous enough to be able to live the life that God has given me to full, but most of all I want to fulfil the plan that God has for my life in a way that glorifies Him, to stop thinking about me and focus on Him.

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