Our own Sacred Scared : Nicole

our series of guest bloggers continues, let me introduce to you my dear friend Nicole

PERFECT:

1. Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.

2. Make (something) completely free from faults or defects; make as good as possible.

So this is my sacred scared. I have this need to be perfect in everything I do. I want to be the first, the quickest, the toughest and the list goes on. Do I want everyone to think I’m perfect? Or is it I like to be perfect? I know I am not and will openly admit to it, but underneath I try my hardest to get at least as close as. I also like to be organised, I plan and make lists. Being half German, half Dutch I have to accept it is in the genes and the mix certainly doesn’t help! But the need for perfection and structure is hard work and can leave me exhausted at times.

There is nothing wrong with being organised or with planning ahead but if something unplanned happens, I go into panic mode. It makes me feel I have lost control and it turns me into a not so nice person. A few months ago I took part in the Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument test and the results told me: logic, technical, organised, structured, low risk and so on. Yep that’s me!! Another part of the results told me that I can appear: rigid, ruthless, nit-picking and bossy. Oh… Although it was a work related test I have to admit that when I’m focused on being perfectly organised, striving for that perfectly seemingly seamless organised life, it is that what I become. And it is not what I would like to be.

With my determination to show how strong, resilient and self sufficient I am, in perfect control of the situation, accepting/asking for help is unimaginable. I rather cut my arm off than to admit I need help. That would be like saying I’m weak! I love offering help or advice to others and when accepted I would never ever think that person is weak. But why do I find it so difficult to accept help? In situations where I need help, I keep running, organising and working hard and by not accepting or asking for help I end up frazzled, irritable and feeling sorry for myself.

I have this competitive streak, I am a bad loser, where possible I want to be first, win and be the best. I love running and have been a keen runner for years. It helps me release stress and gives me that much needed ‘me time’. I take part in road races, but it is a challenge, especially when running with friends, family or colleagues. Being competitive is good but I can take it a little too serious and in my head there is no chance that anyone is going to finish before me! The result is that I don’t really enjoy the road race and end up extremely uncomfortable as I’m running quicker than my normal average pace. It’s my stubbornness that gets me over that finishing line, not my level of fitness.

By taking part in this I had to think about where this need for perfection comes from. My family is less than perfect, like so many families and that would be a story in itself! My growing up involved being self sufficient, I was determined to show everyone how perfectly well I was coping on my own and that I wasn’t like ‘them’. I worked hard and I covered up well. Over the years I have learned that it is ok to be less perfect and that the world doesn’t end if something doesn’t go the way I planned it. But like the saying ‘old habits die hard’. This ‘sacred scared’ will always be part of me and ironically it makes me less perfect!

I read this post on Facebook at the start of 2014 and it really stuck with me: ‘Go on, do something that surprises yourself this year!’. I have decided to listen to this whisper and surprise myself in 2014. That means pulling the ‘perfect rug’ from under myself and with trembling knees go for the less perfect, less organised and less in control. I am scared (feeling sick scared) but somehow know that this less perfect future is going to perfectly stretch me, perfectly challenge me and ultimately make me a perfectly better person.

Colossians 3:12-14 (MSG)
So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive and offence. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

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One thought on “Our own Sacred Scared : Nicole

  1. Thanks for sharing Nicole. Think many of us struggle to some extent with the need to be perfect. Praying your journey this year will be an exciting journey into a new freedom

    Like

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