When I first read Melanie’s SS I cried. So much of her’s is my experience too. Thank you Mel.
My sacred scared….. Man where do I begin!! Well I guess the biggest fear I have in life is that anything I go to do or am asked to do, I always overthink it, and presume someone can always do it better. Why would I be any good?
At school I was always a chubby child who seemed to have a massive appetite and an ever expanding waistline. By P6 I was noticeably fatter than all my peers and that’s when the name calling began. Very quickly I learned children can be very cruel. From P6 until about 4th year in secondary I was relentlessly bullied on a daily basis by people who thought I was useless and had no worth. Anything I went to do, was dismissed and laughed at by my peers. Because I was fat, someone else was bound to do it better. To set the context, when buying my first year uniform I needed a size 18 skirt. Yes, I was a fat girl but did that give bullies the right to fire insults at me before, during and after class? Anything I went to do, I was laughed at. I felt the friends I had could do better too. As when they were with me, they got insults fired at them too. I thank God for the friends I had (and still have all these years later!) who saw me for me and not for the red faced, chubby exterior.
So when teachers would try and ask me to do things in school I usually said no until I was made because I knew I was too fat and had no confidence. Yes I appeared the bubbly fat girl, who laughed in the face of the bullies, but in reality every time people pretended to fall over as the ‘earthquake’ walked past them, I lost another little piece of myself and my self worth.
I guess 15 years on I still carry with me the names and the ‘you’re not good enough’ taunting. They have stuck with me, in the deep corners of my mind. Times when a parent questions my teaching methods, or I make a mistake on a Sunday morning playing the flute, or a morning in kids church doesn’t go to plan, something inside takes me to my early teens and I hear ‘Mel, seriously what made you think you could do this!! Let someone who knows what they’re doing handle it!’
Now I simply have learned to say yes to things before I have too much time to think about it. Otherwise, truely I wouldn’t play on a Sunday, attempt to lead kids church or try speaking to new people. Just incase the bullies were right, ‘you’re just not good enough….’
However, despite my insecurities and often self doubt, I know my father in Heaven has me and my future covered. He has blessed me with abilities and talents (I pray I get more confidence to develop) and people around me to encourage and show me that I can do it!!
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
So I share with you my sacred scared not to have people pity me, but to show that In our weaknesses God promises to do great things and his power is made perfect!!! Now more of God’s blessing and power I could handle!!!……. 😊