Our own sacred scared : Judith

Time for another guest post, this time from a dear friend Jude

When Michelle posted the first ‘Sacred scared’ and issued a challenge to others to write their own, I actually mentally and physically recoiled. And my first thought was that my written word would not be good enough…..I’ll have to sit out this challenge because ’I can’t write….

’It’s not that I wouldn’t know what to say…I think I’d have plenty to say, but my barrier was ‘I can’t write’. My husband can create the written word beautifully…. my teenage son is a gifted writer….but my written word wouldn’t be good enough.

Then a friend of mine, a previous contributor, challenged me and said ‘come on, of course you can do it’. Those words have resonated with me ever since, and as I have continued to read the honest and vulnerable posts, I have been challenged to overcome my stumbling block which is ‘not good enough’.

And there it is….that’s my sacred scared. I live under a cloud of ‘not good enough’…..not a good enough mother, not a good enough doctor, not a good enough wife, not a good enough friend….daughter….sister….housekeeper…..and so it goes on. I look at others, in whatever area of my life, and in my view, I simply don’t measure up to how capable they are.

Coupled with this is another cloud- the cloud of ‘should be’. You see, if you believe you are not good enough, and that you don’t do things well enough, you live by a script ‘I should be better….I should do better….I should work harder…..I should…… I should….’

In a recent season, these have become even darker and more ominous clouds for me, leading to a deep struggle in maintaining my mood and emotional wellbeing. And I know these matters only too well, because this is my line of work. If the mood dips, then the lie increases from a whisper to a shout…and this of course causes the mood to dip further and sometimes it can feel like you are shrinking, cowering, restricted and fragile. This is where I have been lately.

It’s tough because as I live under a cloud of ‘not good enough’ & striving to be the best, then to admit to anyone that I am not doing so well will of course expose those dark fears, that in fact, I am humanly flawed, fragile and vulnerable. That’s why I struggle to ask for help. Bottling it all up seems so much better than exposing my weakness to another. Thankfully, of late, I have spoken up and confided in some key people.

I feel closest to God in worship; to me worship is life giving. For me, there are times when if nothing else helps…..listening to worship music will. In the past 8 years at Vineyard Church Dungannon, I’ve been observing the worship bands, and the various keyboard players, thinking ‘I’d love to do that’….and then comes the whisper of ‘not good enough’…..with me believing it……and the fear of trying.

I grew up in a musical family. I learned to play the piano and I was told when I was young that I was good at it. I struggled to believe that and I was loathe to have anyone listen to me. I hated preforming, because I wasn’t that good a pianist.

But recently my brother encouraged me to ‘go for it’, to go along to a worship circle with my keyboard. It was incredible. I loved it. I was put on the worship band rota
( yikes!)

The first time I played in a worship band in front of a real live people, I immediately afterwards fled to the bathroom and cried hard to myself because I perceived I had done such a poor job. I hadn’t been good enough. I wanted to walk out of the event but I had a responsibility to stay, and it took all my strength to do so….. there is growth in the struggle.

Thankfully the nerves have settled and it has become easier, but more than that, it has been the most wonderful life-giving experience for me.
Believing the lie of ‘not good enough’ is restrictive, it confines and constrains, and it silences. It only serves to hold us back from a purpose- filled, expansive and fulfilling life. Over the years, I consider that I have lost my voice because of it. Praise God, I’ve recently found my permission to speak.

Psalm 18:19
New International Version – UK (NIVUK)
19 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Our own sacred scared : Judith

  1. Judith – I LOVE you. You are such an inspiration. Beautifully written. Insightfully described. My very being resonates with both of these sentiments. They seem like such harmless thoughts, but the weight of them is often crushing. I believe that speaking them out & bringing them into the light reduces the ‘power’ they can hold over us. Thank you. Bless you xx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s