Our own Sacred Scared: Cecilia

This is a guest post by a woman I’ve become reconnected with recently, we knew each other as children when her Dad was my Pastor.  Cecilia you are brave to bare your heart. Thank you.

Here it goes … I’m scared I’m boring. Even writing this I’m thinking it’s not an exciting enough thing to be scared about! And now to compound it I’ve just read a Facebook post that says

“Better to be ridiculous than boring”

See I have good reason to be scared of being boring!

Ever read those descriptions of personalities based on birth order?

(see here for an example)

I am an eldest and, it pains me to say this so much, but I fit the descriptions pretty well. I suppose I am responsible, reliable and organised. I plan and, a lot of the time, stuff gets done. Yes these are good qualities. They bring a measure of success and ease to my life but they also mean I’m no “life and soul of the party” like my youngest sister’s tag will read.

I look at my life which seems so “middle of the road”.  I’m a middle manager, who is middle class, in a middle income bracket, about to enter, thanks to my next birthday, middle age (deep breath!)

I think I look fairly average … nothing so weird here that people would stare, nothing so ugly as to drive people away, nothing so stunning as to worry I might only be chosen for my looks.

I never did blaze that missionary trail to China that I thought my 20’s held for me. Instead I married, started a career and family. I haven’t left the UK since I turned 21 – you have no idea how different that is from my teenage expectations!

No obvious big traumas have befallen me. No divorce, no addiction, no bankruptcy, no history of abuse, no huge triumph over adversity. I know I don’t really want to walk their paths but sometimes I find myself envying those who are able to talk about the dramatic events of their lives.

Even my faith story is boring. No blinding lights, no before and after lifestyle shift, no dramatic over-night change. My story is simply that of a child who understood Jesus loved her and has tried to stay following Him, pretty much, ever since.

So what happens when I’m asked to speak, to share my story? When I meet other women I see living exciting, courageous lives? When I’m asked to share my views or ideas? I’m afraid. Scared that what I say and, probably, who I am, is just boring. I’m a sensible, practical, ultimately dull Clarks lace up … not an eye-catching, heart stopping Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin.

In a world of the radical, the edgy, the transformational, the dramatic what does someone like me have to say? More importantly why would anyone listen?

And yet I speak anyway…

Because while I may be boring, I know my God is definitely not. He is God of all creation: I marvel at both the expanse of the sky and the detail of a snail shell. He is the God of the miraculous: I have celebrated with loved ones as, out of utter despair, He brought life and spiritual rebirth. He is the God of Transformation: I rejoice with friends and family who can testify to the “before & after”, the spectacular change in them and their families.

And on my good days I know that through marriage, miscarriage and medical tests; through children, church and career; through laziness, loneliness and longings – He has kept me. He has poured grace, mercy and faithfulness into my mundane, my everyday. He has performed the miraculous – it’s only me that sees it as small. He is transforming me – if I take time to see & acknowledge it.

I am learning that in today’s world, I am a radical, miracle … a child of the 1970’s, who despite her very weak faith, is still following Jesus.